My Silent Sunday Photo 31 August 2014

A Painful Week

My #wotw this week is PAIN

I am in it, emotionally and physically.

My back has taken a turn for the worse, I have been to the doctors, who said it is muscular, and has put me on strong pain killers.

My emotional pain continues. It hurts as much as the physical pain.

I feel I am drowning in, and surrounded by pain.

My joints ache too, the stress and worry of everything are having a real affect on me physically.

My children are my little shots of pain relief.

They numb my pain briefly, with their smiles, cuddles, hugs and love.

As always, I thank the universe for them, for saving me.

My 3 Things

Inspired by the lovely Single Parent Pessimist, I have decided to take part in her #my3things linky this week.

Here goes....

3 things that were not so good this week

My back. I am suffering from terrible lower back pain which is getting worse. Stress is affecting it badly

Mini meltdowns worrying about money

Fending off the many abusive texts - again

3 things I want to focus on next week

Being more mindful in every moment

My eldest daughter - she is off to Uni on the 8th

Child Maintenance, I can't have the stress of hoping my ex is in a good mood to give me money for the children

3 things I have done well this week

Met with my ex with the boys, keeping calm and civil

Secured some brilliant deals for my other blog

Supporting a close friend who has just lost her mum

This is actually a really good thing to do, it has made me think about the good points of the week, and look ahead to making next week good too. I am going to try and link up every week. Thank you :) 

To Blog or not to Blog

I set up this blog for somewhere to go when I need to sound off, to release, to let go, to explore whatever is going on for me at the moment.

I have another blog, which I launched seven months ago, which follows our family life, our adventures, and is a wonderful, positive, happy little blog. It is successful in it's own little way, it has opened doors for me that I never thought possible, with review opportunities, connecting with other bloggers and more.

My other blog has become more than  hobby, it is my corner of the internet to record and share my family, and what we do.

It is kind of anonymous, but I do share photos of me and my family freely, although I haven't disclosed the blog address or details to my family or through my personal facebook.

I have had betrayal personally from people who I thought were friends, and actually weren't. People watching what I was doing, and either wanting to drag me down, or copy me.

So, when I set up my other blog, I knew from the start that I would not talk about it. Except to my eldest, Diva, who also blogs, and who inspired, and encouraged me to start. My other children know about it too, and my parents now know I blog, but not the address.

Diva knows my other blog details, and loves it. She does not know about this one, although I told her I was launching an anonymous blog for me, and she agreed it would help me.

This has to be completely private, truly anonymous so that I can really be me.

Then I ask myself 'Why?' Why am I doing this? Every minute spent on this, is a minute lost from my other blog, that I do believe could really go somewhere. 

I started this one, not caring if anyone ever read it, or found it, just somewhere for me.

But then my desire to be acknowledged, approved of, accepted kicks in, and actually, I do want someone to read it. To like it. To hear me.

I think of how my other blog has grown in seven months. And I think of what I need to put into it. But I need this one too. I need this space. For my sanity.

So, I guess I have to blog, whether anyone reads it or not! Oh, and if you are reading this, thank you and I hope you like it x

Is this normal?

Tonight, between 7pm and 9.30pm I received 20 texts from you.

This happens three to four times a week, I am guessing, depending on how fast the wine is flowing.

They start, quite civil, almost nice...

I reply that I will not be going away with you, as we are over.... Then I ignore the next few texts. The texts from you change....

Then....

I continue to ignore the texts, which are progressively absusive.

Then you send....

This is only a snapshot into the dozens and dozens of texts I receive from you. You can no longer abuse me face to face. But you continue your barrage of abuse from your phone. I ask you to stop sending me abuse. 

You reply 'it is not abuse, it is the truth.'

I have written this post actually thinking that maybe it isn't abuse. I am so used to how you speak to me, how you treat me, that it is normal. 

You call me names. You call my daughter names. 

And you have done it for so long that I think it is normal.

Why?

I am struggling today.

Asking myself 'Why?' a thousand times

Why?

Such a little word, but it's answers can change lives.

Why? Fast becoming little KP's favourite word, he has no idea that his mummy asks it a hundred times a day.

Why?

Do I wake with a dark feeling deep inside me.

Why?

Do I feel so sad inside, when I have so much to be thankful for.

Why?

Am I grumpy, weepy, cross.

Why?

Are you doing what you are? 

Why?

Do I love you one minute and hate you the next?

Why do I dread you texting, hating your abuse, your desire - still - to control me, and yet missing your texts when they don't come.

Why are you still in the background of my mind every minute of every day?

I will never have the answers. You will never admit what really happened. You will never tell the truth. 

I will have to let this go to move on, to heal. But I can't right now. Not yet.

Why?

Because I still have hope. Hope that you will. Hope that you will get help. Hope that somewhere deep inside the very core of you, you know that what you are doing is so very wrong. 

My Silent Sunday Photo 24 August 2014

Family

This week has reminded me how important my family is to me, and how lucky I am to have them.

I am a mum, a daughter, a sister, a sister-in-law, an aunty, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin.

My parents have been helping me (again) to swop Pea and Bro's rooms over, so that KP can move in with Bro. Dad has been painting, mum has been cleaning. Both have been moving furniture, and putting together new furniture, which they have bought us.

Jon (my abusive ex) was always mocking me for being so close to my parents. He used to say things like 'You should never have left home,' and 'why haven't you cut the apron strings to mummy?'

He used to make me feel guilty for seeing my parents, and would roll his eyes and moan if I said I was meeting my mum.

Maybe the fact his mother passed away just before his 13th birthday explains this, but, I was sick of making excuses for him.

I couldn't just ask my parents (or my sister and family) over, or arrange a meet up. If I did arrange anything (or they did) we would usually end up rowing about it. Falling out and there would be a big drama.

Looking back, he was against any sort of family togetherness, including Diva's boyfriends family, who are lovely, and would invite us around, I would go on my own with the children. He would just about come to my sisters post Christmas Sleep Over, but I guess because we stayed over, he could just get drunk.

Anyway, this summer, since our break up, I have relished being able to see my family whenever I want to. I have loved having them over, meeting up with them, planning days out. I have loved Diva (my 18 yo eldest) and Oz (her boyfriend) coming over, popping in, meeting us. 

So, I have much to be thankful for, especially my family :)

Count your Blessings

All of them.

Although I am feeling so low right now, I have had two shocks that have made me STOP and count my blessings. Yesterday I had an eye test, and something has shown up on the back of my right eye. The optometrist is sure it's nothing serious, probably a tiny healed scar. But OH MY GOD it scared me. My sight? My eyes? Having been short sighted since I was 11, and quite badly so, I am used to wearing contact lenses and glasses, and not having 20/20 vision, but losing my sight?? 

Not being able to see my beautiful children, my family, my home, the sea.....it does not bear thinking about. 

Today I found that that my dearest friends mother has died. My friend is 48. I am 43. I could not function right now without my mother. 

Whatever I am facing, I am ok.

I will be ok.

I am lucky, I am blessed. 

I have my senses, my health, my children are healthy and thriving, my family are well.

All is well.

I truly Count my Blessings. 

Sinking to new depths

Sunday 17 August 2014

Just when I thought that he couldn't get any lower, than spreading malicious lies about Diva, my ex surprises me again!

He is now texting her. Offloading his abuse on her. She is just 18. She is off to UNi next month, starting a new life. He seems set to destroy it. To destroy her. Why? I have felt unnerved twice through this, once a couple of weeks ago when his texts reached an all time low of abuse and craziness, rambling, the wine clearly flowing, and tonight. It's gone midnight and I'm wide wake. I feel uneasy. A weird feeling inside. How can he still have such a hold on us - on me? 

I know Diva feels uneasy too. Scared? Maybe. You see, Jon clearly has mental health issues, and is quite possibly an alcoholic. So, I suppose, he is scary? 

Monday 18 August 2014

Diva was woken at 1.40am with a vile text telling her she is spineless. From a 49 year old man. Who was, bar a piece of paper, her step father for almost fifteen years. 

And guess what? He is texting me asking me to meet. To go for dinner, and, wait for it, to go away with him for the weekend!! To mend things! All the while, hating my eldest, MY DAUGHTER. 

We were going to go to the police, but, I thought through what could happen, and, in his present mental state, Jon could turn it all around and try and prosecute Diva for assault. And knowing our crazy legal system, she could well be arrested, and even cautioned. So convincing is his version of events. 

We have to stay strong. United. Together, we know the truth. Diva is devastated. She couldn't go to work this evening because she feels so upset and affected by all this.

She is a beautiful girl. Inside and out. She does not deserve this. She is gentle, caring, loving. Yes, a typical teenage girl. Moody, irritable, unpredictable. But not spineless. Or a liar. Or evil. Or full of bad blood. Or any of the other horrific things that she has been called. 

I just hope that he can't sink any lower.....

I feel like I am going mad

I feel like I am going mad.

I have my ex-partner ADAMANT that Diva (my eldest) hit him 7 times.

I have Diva, and my other two - Pea aged 14 and Boi aged 12 (both his) who are ADAMANT that she DID not.

He wants Diva to go into church to swear on the bible, on mine, and her siblings lives that she did not do it.

That sounds like a weird ritualistic sacrifice which I AM NOT prepared for her to do. Although she said she would.

I AM GOING MAD with this inside my head.

I believe my children. They are not liars. They are all old enough to see and say what happened.

WHY IS HE MAKING ALL THIS UP?

Pea and Boi do not want to see him. He just blames me for poisoning them. I have just spoke with him, for the first time about this mess. He will NOT take any blame. He blames Diva, and speaks so vilely about her. MY DAUGHTER.

I have no where else to vent this. No where else to talk about this. Why did she hit him even once?? 

I have been face to face with him hundreds of times, and wanted to knock his head off. I suppose fear stopped me. Fear because I knew he would hit me back. Hard.

But Diva stood up for herself. She took his verbal abuse, name calling, ranting on at her, calling me names and her father. She took him in her face shouting at her. And I guess with the wonderful naivety of youth, she hit him. Once. Not 7 times. Only Once. All three of my children have said this from the minute I entered the apartment after it happened. They would NOT lie.

Even now, weeks later, if I talk about it with Diva, she cries. She is not proud of what she did. But she did it. 

 I am angry with her.

I am angry with him.

I am angry with myself.

I am doubting everything.

He is getting inside my head.

And it won't stop.

I have no idea what to do.

I have spent the last hour searching for an appropriate photo or picture, ad can't find one. So, for now, no image.

My Silent Sunday Photo 17 August 2014

Against all odds Three A Levels

I am so very proud of Diva, who has, we found out on Thursday, got three A levels to her name, including A* in Psychology, A in English and C in Drama - to add to her 11 GCSE's! She has secured her place in Uni next month, and we are all over the moon.

She has had a difficult summer, and although I knew she would do well in her exams, it is such  relief to see the results in black and white.

The week before Diva had her main A Level exams, her father (my ex husband) threw out his long term partner of over 10 years, in a huge row apparently, then he proceeded to have a melt down, choosing Diva to be his main support. He leant heavily on her, and it was very upsetting to see her so distressed at seeing her father fall apart. I was also very cross with him for the whole scenario - well, for putting it all on Diva at that time.

Especially when he proceeded to do all that he could to woo his partner back, which he did, and they have been acting like loves young dream for the past couple of weeks. All the while, my ex husband is totally oblivious to the fact that he could have seriously messed up Diva's exams, grades, and therefore the next three years of her life.

During this time, Diva was bleeding quite heavily in between her periods, which has now stopped thank goodness, I think it was stress. She was very worried though, as was I, but I wasn't facing big exams, which would affect the rest of my life. So, she has had a tricky time......

......on top of all this, Jon, my ex partner, her 'step' dad, although we never married, chose our family holiday abroad in June / July to pick at her, and me, to pick holes in everything about the holiday, then turn on me, causing two huge rows, which ended up in Diva hitting him. Once. He pushed her and pushed her and pushed her verbally until she lashed out. He returned home and has spread vicious lies about her ever since. I actually think he has mental health problems. My other two children were present (I had taken little KP out to shield him from the shouting), and they both support Diva, confirming the incident happened exactly as she said it did. Diva was devastated, as we all were at the way Jon has turned on her.

So, despite all this, my amazing, incredible daughter has secured her future with flying colours, and leaves next month to start her new life......which is a whole other blog post! 

Single Mother Ahoy

Peace

This is my first linky and I have chosen The Reading Residence Word of the Week. I think that having a word to focus on is a great idea when facing overwhelming emotions. 

My word this week is Peace. I need peace in my life, peace inside my head, peace around me and my children. The peace that is most needed is within. 

This photo represents peace to me. 

It is very close to where I live.

Amongst all the conflict around me, I choose peace.

Goodbye Old Friend

I woke to the news that the fantastically wonderful Robin Williams has died. Suspected suicide. I was incredibly shocked, saddened, and started to cry. This was in the midst of me trying to leave the house for my (currently) only paid regular job of one morning a week, leaving my daughter (Pea) and eldest son (Boi) with KP who is 21 months, juggling writing a note for my mum who was on her way with my dad who is overhauling Peas bedroom. And waiting for a furniture delivery from IKEA.

I felt so sad, as though I'd lost a friend. We have so many happy family memories around films, one of the strongest being Mrs Doubtfire. We all loved it, loving the craziness and wacky humour. I will never forget Boi wandering into Jon when he was very small, saying 'Dad' 'Pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-Piss off Dad! We (Diva, my eldest daughter, 6 years older than Boi, and Pea, 2.5 years older than him) burst out into hysterical laughter as Jon was not impressed and Boi had no idea what he'd said! Happy times! Once I'd left Jon, five years ago, it held very different connections for Boi, who was seven at the time. He couldn't watch it for a while because it made him sad, because the family has split up in the film, and now we had too.

I am literally exploring my feelings and asking why? As I'm writing this post. For me, Robin Williams passing is much more than a well loved, treasured actor leaving us.

I hate the thought of anyone feeling so alone, so low, so down that they make the choice to end their life. Life, however hard, is precious. Our animal, gut, survival instinct is to live. So how must someone feel to override that, and end theirs.

Oh god, Adele's Someone Like You is now playing - I'd better go before I have a meltdown in the middle of McDonald's. (Sneaking a quick Cappuccino before work). Oh no, and I'm going to be late. I just had to write this.

Goodbye Robin, you truly feel like an old friend, someone who I didn't see often, but was there. Someone to call on if we needed cheering up. May you find peace, and happiness where you are x x

Words don't leave wounds (that you can see)

You've battered me with your words, not your fists

You've stabbed me with verbal blades, not a knife

You've hit me with an abusive name, instead of your hand

You've kicked me with your insults, not your foot

All these attacks leave no scars. No marks. No bruises.

Daily torrents of verbal abuse, washing over me, leaving no visible trace.

But my mind. My thoughts. My heart 

Are back and blue

Are battered and bruised

Are scarred and damaged 

You see, there are scars. And marks. And bruises

They're just on the inside of me

And they're the hardest to heal 

I am me

I am me. 

Accept me as I am, or leave me alone.

Don't pretend to like or even love me, then try to change everything about me.

I am me.

Good, bad, happy, sad, raging, calm, up down.

Be with me. Be next to me. Not ahead, not behind but beside.

I am me.

If you can't cope, if you don't want to cope, you don't have to cope. Walk away.

But don't put me down. Don't shout at me.

Don't belittle me. Don't hurt me.

With your words, sharp as blades.

I am me. 

You are you.

We didn't make it but next time just maybe, if they can accept

I am me. 

Love this....