What a huge relief

Last Thursday, I had an appointment at my local breast clinic.

I had waited several months for it, and was aware of when it was.

It was routine, a doctors referral following a visit, where I complained of increased pain and general discomfort in my left breast, spreading into my armpit, at different times of the month.

I have to admit, and I am ashamed about this, I am scared to examine my own breasts. So I asked my doctor to do it for me, which she did, and she found nothing. But she referred me anyway, for my peace of mind.

So, I found myself in the waiting room, which was jam packed full, it was a warm day, and I had left KP with my mum at the nearby retail park.

As I tried to read a magazine on my phone, I couldn't help overhear other ladies conversations, which consisted of them discussing their varying stages of breast cancer, recovery, the operation, the treatment after.

It dawned on me very slowly that this was not just a general wellbeing clinic, I was surrounded by woman who were actually in the midst of breast cancer, and I suddenly felt sick.

This was real. Although I was sure that my breasts were fine and healthy, suddenly I doubted everything. What if..?
My mind would not let me go there.

I am healthy, I repeated in my head, over and over.

The clinic was running over an hour late, so I had plenty of unwanted time to conjure up unwanted thoughts.

When my name was finally called, I felt almost too weak and wobbly to stand.

But I did, and I went into the consultant's room, with a bed, a scanning machine, and a consultant. And I swear I almost vomited.

He asked lots of questions, I heard myself answering, but it didn't sound like my voice.

The consultant said he would examine me, and I felt another wave of nausea.

I stripped off my upper body (there was a nurse present, who I happened to know through school) and I felt no embarrassment or awkwardness, my breasts were just another part of my body.

As I lay on the bed I silently, hurriedly prayed to everything and anything that I was ok. The consultant examined my breasts, and the left one felt tender and slightly uncomfortable. I heard the consultant say that he could feel nothing, but he would scan my left breast anyway.

And he did. It felt very uncomfortable, but he was very thorough.

He then told me everything was fine. He could not feel, or see anything wrong at all. My breasts were fine.

Only then, when relief flooded through me, washed over me, and filled every inch of me, did I fully realise just how worried I actually was.

I could have hugged the man.
I just managed to restrain myself, and shook his hand instead. Thanking and thanking him.

I almost ran out of the room whooping with joy.
But I walked - very quickly - with a huge grin on my face. Outside, everything seemed brighter, clearer. I swear I could feel more, sense more. Nothing mattered except seeing my mum and my baby boy.

I hugged and hugged them, and cried. I told my mum and she cried too.

Thank God for my health, any other problems are solvable,
Nothing else matters but having good health.