No I didn't breastfeed!

This is a post I have been wanting to write for a while, and it seems more fitting to write it here, rather than on my other blog.

I DID NOT BREAST FEED ANY OF MY FOUR CHILDREN!

There! Said it! Got it out!

I read every day how breast is best (which, I am sure, it is), and how, above anything else, you MUST breastfeed your baby.

Well, I didn't.

Not one of them.

And I am going to, at last, make no apologies for it!

I had an emergency caesarian section with my eldest, and was put to sleep for it. It was very panicked and very scary.

I came round from the procedure feeling very disorientated, very confused, I couldn't actually work out for a few minutes whether I had had the baby or not!

Then, my beautiful baby girl was thrust onto my breast, the midwife telling me that she was hungry and needed feeding. And OMG it HURT like crazy! REALLY hurt. It was unpleasant, painful, awful.

I cried and cried. I tried again. It hurt. Like crazy. It HURT. I cried and cried.

Later that day, amongst disapproving tuts and glances from the various midwives and nurses who were in and out of my room, I made the decision to give my baby a bottle.

Following the overwhelming feeling of failure of not being able to give birth naturally, was now the horrible feeling that I couldn't feed her either.

The best support I had, was from a male midwife! He sat with me, listened to me, let me cry, he didn't tut, or judge or chastise me. He simply said, I have to do what feels right for me. If I breastfed and hated it, I would become stressed, which would affect my milk flow, and my baby would pick up on that too. It would be far from a positive experience.

I chose to bottle feed.

I made that decision, as the best one for me and my daughter.

And it was the best decision. I could see, at every feed, exactly what she had drunk, I could, before too long, plan her feeds, and let my then husband, and my mum feed her too. 

I used to watch my then sister-in-law having her son (three days older than my daughter) constantly 'on the boob.' Never knowing how much milk he had had, at every squeak he made, thrusting a boob into his mouth, assuming he was hungry.

Now, please don't get me wrong, breast feeding is wonderful, a beautiful thing, very special, an amazing time.

But not for everyone.

I chose to bottle feed my other three from birth, MY CHOICE! I didn't have any problem with it at all, but others did.

As much as breast feeding in public receives (sadly) mixed views, so does bottle feeding!

I was constantly frowned upon - especially when my babies were newborn, and during their first months of life.

Disapproving looks and comments and even questions as to why I wasn't feeding? Surely I was missing out - as was my baby? 

I did feel more guilty with my last baby, who is now almost two. I cried and cried with guilt at not feeding him, especially when I felt my milk coming in. My midwife was actually very understanding, and talked it through with me. As a virtual single parent, with a very busy household and three other children, I knew in my heart that, again, bottle feeding was the right choice for us. My midwife agreed.

I LIKED seeing exactly what he had drunk.

I LIKED my other children being able to feed him, easily, and have that wonderful experience with him.

All my children have slept through the night from 12 weeks old. I have had at least 8 hours sleep a night, every night with all of them (except for things like illness.) I needed that! 

All my children are bright, healthy, well developed beings.

The main thing I want to say though, is that EVERY mother has the right to feed her baby however she wants! Breast or bottle, it is up to the mum! NO ONE has the right to judge, comment, or make that mum feel awful.